Quotes from my Personal Life
A collection of quotes from me, my friends, my family, and a host of others. Enjoy.
Dates / sources are located below a given quote when available.
H. B. Morgan
(After rinsing my hands with cold water for half a second) There, just like a hospital.
Whoever said that I think shit all the way through?
Do I look like the guy who would read the description before commenting?
(Referring to RED cameras) For $138,000 I better be able to see a spider's clitoris on the moon with that camera.
Thou shalt not audit thy creator.
(In regards to a commercial for a black mattress)
Me: "Eww, a black mattress!"
My Dad: "What do you think black people sleep on?"
Me: "I don't know; Park benches, bus stops?"
Nothing like dislocating your shoulder before bedtime.
(To a teacher I had in college) Well do you want a fast, correct answer, or a groaning, collective answer?
If you're gonna disappoint somebody, it may as well be everybody.
My existential, agony scream was shorter today.
– 2018-01-22
If your tits were a bell curve, they'd be at the tippy top!
– 2018-04-19
(Referring to my height) Damn Italian Gravity!
– 2018-10-27
I'm like a goddamn cartoon character! All I do is wear the same clothes and say the same things all the time.
– 2019-11-26
Sibling: "I don't want to eat anything with the word monster in it."
Me: "I'm sure you've eaten something with the word 'monster' in it."
– 2019-12-20
(Referring to drug commercials) All of these drugs ruin your life while mildly fixing your one, small problem.
– 2020-01-19
You know, the greater good, not the 'you and me' good
– 2020-05-26
I figured that if we have haunted bread we may as well eat it.
– 2020-06-24
Fighting a cat that's bigger than a dog is always gonna be a challenge.
– 2020-07-14
His scoop is deep in the emotional Cheerios.
– 2020-08-11
Who the hell buys unscented candles? I want my house to smell, that's why I light a part of it on fire.
– 2020-10-11
I think you'd like the ocean if you'd give it a taste.
– 2020-11-27
Any store with an abandoned RV next to it is not a good store.
– 2021-12-27
A man without enemies is a useless friend.
– 2022-02-08
Humans are incapable of having a rational discussion on an even playing field.
– 2022-05-26
Passion without intelligence is just yelling.
– 2022-12-04
Free pizza comes to those who read their email.
– 2023-01-10
Humans tend to have a lot of gross shit in common, they just tend to lack the vocabulary or facilities to enunciate it, and why the hell would you?
– 2023-02-24
Being an adult is easy, you just have to pay money until the problem goes away. The hard part is getting the money.
– 2023-03-05
The library is a truly Aryan institution.
– 2023-03-21
Dreams are like lost love: Even though I was with them for a short time, they will be with me forever.
– 2023-04-27
A female with bad handwriting is a female that ought not be trusted.
– 2023-07-25
I did my family a favor by abandoning them and they return the favor by not calling.
– 2023-08-23
Everyone behind the wheel of anything is an enemy who hates me personally.
– 2023-08-29
[Invalids] should be cremated and turned into fertilizer. I don't see how they could be of more use to society. Just grind them into paste and spray them on the countryside.
– 2023-09-17
If the beginning of your plan starts with 'I have to train an animal', then you have a bad plan.
– 2023-10-04
You fell victim to the Scanners Folly! You discarded the source material before checking your scan!
– 2023-10-04
The creator is patient.
The creator asks for nothing, but instead gives everything.
It's up to you how much or how little you accomplish.
The creator is within me as he is within you.
The creator speaks, it is our job to listen.
– 2024-02-12
If you would only look, you would see it too.
– 2024-03-03
Who doesn't love a boiling-hot shame shower?
– 2024-04-03
Whacking people with a spoon is good incentive to get them to stop doing stuff.
– 2024-04-24
In just a few thousand years humans have seemingly learned to beat mother nature at her own game. Although, mother nature has been playing for a lot longer, she knows the rules better than we do, and seldom makes permanent mistakes.
– 2024-05-13
Doing it right seems like the right thing to do.
– 2024-06-13
Horses are simple: Don't put anything behind them you don't want kicked, don't put anything underneath them that you don't want stepped on, and don't put anything in front of them you don't want bitten. And don't spook them!
– Date Unknown
I've got Mountain Dew in my guts and mildew in my veins.
– 2024-10-15
We go together like two tits in a tube top.
– 2024-11-21
Nobody is really alone as long as they have a credit card and internet access.
– 2024-12-24
Other People
This is a collection of quotes from people I've known or overheard. Most of the context and explanations for these have been lost to time.
AotA
Patience presumes time aplenty. I presume time 'bout empty.
– 2023-04-27
I'd rather worship Frosty the Snowman as a God of Winter than Jesus as God's only begotten son.
– 2023-05-04
D. (A friend from highschool and a former coworker)
You're not allowed in Fort Kick-Ass.
– 2020-08-07
J. (My Grandfather)
Well, I don't see my name in the obituary so I guess I'm doing okay.
– Date Unknown
That'll put some lead in your pencil. But I don't have anyone to write to!
– Date Unknown
R. (A friend from highschool)
All at once or not at all is a memo to live and die by.
– 2018-01-26
